Final Hour

Ok, let me set the scene real quick for you. I am terrified of drowning, big waves, deep ocean, being under water in the ocean, tunnel water slides and anything similar. However, I don’t actively avoid these things as I know deep down being shipwrecked and alone in the middle of the ocean, growing a beard and becoming best friends with a volleyball is a total irrational fear (although I would like to try growing a beard).

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So here I am on a janky ass boat, traveling from Tavewa Island 3 hours south to Nadi, certain we are all going to drown as the waves are huge and boat is not. I genuinely thought this could be my final hour so to distract myself I documented the whole ordeal. So, with a few spelling corrections and a few less “fucks”, here are my final words.

(~ ~ ~ 5-15 minutes of shear terror, panic, holding down vommit)

Ive had to unplug my headphones I literally can’t listen to music (Disney Top Hits) at a time like this I need all my wits and senses about me. I genuinely think I’m gonna have to swim or drown within the next 30 minutes. 

The driver is on his phone though this is good right? It means he’s confident on one-handing these waves while on the phone to his girlfriend saying “hey hunny have dinner ready for six” … or he’s realised like myself that we are facing our imminent deaths and he’s saying “I love you hunny we had a good run tell the kids I say goodbye”. (Fuck i am genuinely sweating with nerves right now) ok keep typing… Will just looked back at me, I mouth “we’re gonna fucking die” he yawns and turns around. Dani continues to read and I wana vomit just looking at her. Every couple of minutes she will turn back and laugh at me knowing full well I am shitting my pants back here. 

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Maybe it’s not that bad, The other crew member is asleep up front… or she’s passed out unconscious…. but hopefully asleep *nose goes to check on her*

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Oh Christ the drivers just started playing music. This is that exact moment in the titanic when those guys start playing violins to lighten the mood while everyone is doomed and about to drown to their deaths. Fuck fuck fuck. 

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I can barely type we’re rocking so hard now. Good job the waves aren’t getting more and more rough…. thats funny because that’s EXACTLY what they’re doing and we’re all going to die. Will just looked back at me again I mouthed “I am NOT having fun” he pulled a sad face in agreement. William is not having fun. I repeat William is now scared. Dani is still reading, this bitch is crazy, she would be the old couple who decide its time for a nap as the ship is sinking. 

While 8 of us are in a panicked silence, the Indian couple in front of me are chatting away like nothings wrong. His guy is actually taking scenic pictures. This calms me slightly. Except I don’t know how they’re hugging and snuggled up right now! If my girlfriend was clinging on to me like that I’d be saying “hellllll nawwwwwww!! This vessel is going down pal and I am not being dragged under with you koala clinging on to me. Every man for themselves”… It’s dark times. 

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I always thought in my dying moments I would think about loved ones, reflect on my life or things I wish I had said or done differently…. nope sat here trying to think up jokes and how to turn my death into a funny story. Here’s a funny story… my phone case isn’t waterproof so if I die NOBODY WILL EVEN READ THIS. Ok note to self if I survive: buy a waterproof phone case. Tell lesley you love her. Don’t ever obsess over calories again. Tell the homeless man who plays guitar in Harrogate how much you appreciate him. Eat more donuts.  

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Ok it’s been 10 minutes, we just hit a MASSIVE wave and the Indian guy just turned around and laughed at me holding on to this pole. I’m gonna assume it was a nervous laugh because at this point if you’re still in denial about dying any minute then you’re the unconscious lady up front. Ok ok ok time to think of things I love that’ll keep my mind busy…. sex (sorry grandma), the feeling when the takeaway delivery arrives, Ellen, acoustic covers when I’m feeling emotional, Parks and Recreation, my nephew (this is not in order ok)… the rest of my family , halloumi burger from Everyman, Dr Seuss, not being on boats ughhhhhh 

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I think we still have an hour left of this death ride. Why drag this out just fucking throw me overboard now and be done with it ! I keep imagining ways to survive this. Here is survival plan A. So there’s a couple of orange float ring things but they’re super strapped on it would take a few minutes to untie. I won’t have time for that shit. I will just find anything floating in the water near me when the time comes. Like this old mans walking stick. I have a bar of dairy milk **sponsored ad by dairy milk** in my bag, I will grab that before the drop and hold on for dear life. This will save me on day 2 stranded with no food. I have a bottle of water but I’m gonna risk it and take the chocolate instead. I want to die happy. That’s it so far. That’s my survival plan… Why the fuck do I not watch more bear grylls?! Ok adding “watch more bear grylls” to my “if I survive” list. Oh god one girls just starting throwing up, boyfriends rubbing her back and handing her tissues. Nothing could make this journey worse…. except if Jaws paid us a visit and they had Liam Payne on repeat.

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Right well it’s been another 10 minutes and I just ate half the chocolate bar. Fuck sake. I will now think of survival plan B while continuing to grip this pole for dear life. In the mean time, good news, the unconscious lady up front is now conscious. Will looks pretty queasy but is checking up on me less frequently and More people have started to read…. seriously how!? How are people calmly reading their sci-fi thrillers and Nicholas Sparks while I’m sat here verging vomming my brains out, 98% sure we’re not making it to dry land asking myself questions like “what could I have done differently” and “what comes next”.

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My phones now only on 17%…. great so not only am I gonna die but so is my phone!! Well… at least if it’s my time to go I’ll go with a semi-decent tan, almost freshly shaved legs and half a bar of dairy milk by my side. *hunger games goodbye whistle and salute * 

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So before my phone dies here’s a quick update. The waves are bad but definitely not as rough as before. Maybe we actually might make this out alive. Good job nobody panicked ey… 

*post traumatic boat trip*

(Dani and will both admitted they were scared too…. but my yellowish skin and the terror in my eyes must have helped calm them)

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