Shit Stains & Gin

It’s Sunrise time. The only sounds I can hear are the birds and my own hungover morning breath. I wish I could tell you I found a beautiful spot looking out over the lake enveloped with pine trees where I did my morning vinyasa, deep inhale in…. and out…. but instead I took a massive suspiciously orange turd in the woods. I am at one with nature. Trousers and shoes came off, I didn’t want any unwanted accidents im not a total animal… But there is definitely Something crawling down my leg… oh phew just Backsplash tickling at my ankles. Nice. 

I wish I could tell you I cleansed myself in the natural waters of the Grand lake…. but I used dish soap and an already used piece of kitchen roll to try scrub four days worth of dirt and bad decisions out my hands.


(This was the cleanest they got in four days!!)

 I would love to tell you how I proceeded my morning vinyasa with a wonderfully refreshing green herb mix smoothie filled with my daily vitamins that would keep my soul and mind energised for hours. But I’m hanging out my arse so this half empty (or half full) water bottle and a Hershey’s chocolate bar will do for now.

Following the morning yoga and revitalising smoothie, I decided to take a stroll through the wilderness, where every rock and tree and creature has a life, had a spirit has a naaaaame (Pocahontas reference for the disney nerds). Actually I didn’t find myself within nature’s charming embrace, instead I spent an hour picking up half drunk beer cans, empty bottles of tequila and filled 3 bags worth of absolute shite. It felt good to tidy up though. If there is any deep moral message behind this story it is don’t fucking litter, it’s rude. 


Ok where was I. Ah yes, gliding through the forest inhaling the crisp fresh mountain morning air with all the charming creatures coming to greet me to their home (think Snow White) Hello little bird, hi there Grand elk, aw what a sweet little chipmunk who just scurried over and gave me a freshly picked nut….. wait …. no …. a horsefly just took a fucking chunk out of my calf, mosquitoes are in my ass crack and nostrils and I have bites all over me that look like juicy pink lady nips. Savages.

But as I stand here, in my 4 day old hoody and sweatpants smelling like dead rat sewage, trash bag in hand and possibly my own piss down my leg I realised how bloody happy I am. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be right now. I’m in one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen. I’m with three people I just met, one friend I haven’t seen for years and one I spend every waking moment with. We drank. We laughed. We bonded. We got $350 fire charges from the cops and we finished the night stargazing. Magical right? 


It’s so simple and quiet up here. To me, this is what life is about… no not pissing on your own leg and $350 roasted marshmallows… but just being totally stripped back of everything. Work, drama,  bills, Harrogate traffic, all the less-than-wonderful parts of life we let consume us is gone out here. Nothing materialistic. No judgement. Just shit stains and gin. Oh what a beautiful life.


(sorry, no photo evidence of the orange turd. Just gotta take my word for that one)



2 thoughts on “Shit Stains & Gin”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s