A Fascinating Short Story About Lettuce by Lauren Randall

“To my baby nephew Charlie, May you never have to cut a single lettuce in your sweet and innocent life”

Ever wondered what seven hours of cutting lettuce is like? Ever wondered what 7 hours of cutting lettuce with six asian people in total silence is like? GREAT, then settle in kids, this is the perfect story for you. 

Chapter 1: Day one farming in Australia

What the FUCK am I doing. 

Chapter 2: Cutting Lettuce 

The moment you’ve been waiting for. So what is it like to cut lettuce for seven hours, I hear you ask. You know when you write or say the same word over and over and over it begins to look and sound weird, well staring at lettuce for seven hours straight is exactly the same. It starts to look funny and make weird spiral shapes and then you begin to wonder if its even lettuce anymore. Nobody speaks English and you have to concentrate to keep up with the tractor, so you’re left with your own thoughts for hours and hours with nothing else to look at but bug-eyed alien heads growing from the ground. 


About one hour in I found myself thinking things like “beautiful lettuce” or “that lettuce looks a bit skinny” or “I’m never eating a fucking salad ever again”. After about two hours I started playing “Rate my Lettuce”. The bigger and more compact they were with minimal browning were a solid 8 or above. Anything small, leafless, or has a hint of browning were nothing higher than a 5. Shame on you skinny lettuce. Three hours in was when I started to think of all words beginning with L and that’s when I realised how similar “letters” and “lettuce” are and that kept me entertained for a solid 3 minutes. 

The only word anybody said in those 6 hours was “sorry” as they launched a a lettuce at your head, then we would have a good old giggle at a lettuce in someone’s face because there was no other entertainment on this lettuce planet. (Even now when I type lettuce I’m wondering if I’m spelling it right it’s starting to look weird). 


Chapter 3: Would I recommend lettuce cutting? 

Absolutely. If your goal is to fuck up your back, hips and knees all in one go then lettuce cutting is for you. If you’re looking to verge vegetable insanity or spend quality time deep within your own weird mind, look no further, lettuce cutting will do the job. Or if you absolutely have to because you need 88 days farm work for a second year visa then yes, “rate my lettuce” is a must. 

The End 

I’d like to thank the nameless contractor who picked me up in his plain white van at 6am, with no instruction on where we were going, what we were doing, how long I’d be working for, how I was getting paid, IF I was getting paid or any basic health and safety rules. Thank you for dumping me in a field with a knife and leaving me to rot with the lettuces 🙂 


(For legal purposes these lettuces cannot be named, but from further investigation it was Lettuce 1 who was harvested. No lettuces were harmed in the making of this story… that is a lie, thousands of lettuces were cut and ripped from their homes for the making of this story)


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