22 Things I’ve Learnt About Having Kids

For the past few weeks I have been working as an Au Pair for a family on the Gold Coast. I look after two young boys, 20 months (year and a half in non-mum terms) and 38 months (just over 3… I’m not sure when we stop counting age in months 🤔)

They have a lot of energy. The sort of energy I didn’t think I could keep up with at the ripe old age of 307 months. But I have compiled a list of things I have quickly learnt that I am sure many parents out there, especially with boys, can relate to.

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20 Things I’ve learnt about having kids:

1. They shit. A lot. Everywhere. Legs, back, changing table, ceiling. Nowhere is safe…

2. Tuck the willy down!! Who knew a slight wonk to one side would lead to an overnight tsunami in the bed. Boy probs. 

3. They don’t want to play with toy A until someone else plays with Toy A, then it’s WW3 over toy A. Sharing is a far far far away concept. 

4. Peppa pig dominates your search history and all future YouTube suggestions 

5. Paw patrol actually does save lives 

6. Attention spans don’t exist…. unless you’re watching paw patrol or peppa pig then DO NOT DISTURB. Go hide in a corner somewhere 

7. If it’s gone quiet, something bad is happening…

8. “Time out” is the longest 3 minutes of your life… the ringing in your ears goes after a few hours 

9. Keep EVERYTHING above 5ft or locked in a safe with bolts, key codes and a 3 headed dog… they will get into anything

10. What’s a sleep in?  

11. If you are blessed by the nap gods, now is the time for cleaning, cooking, laundry and if you have any spare time shovel food in your face before round 2.  GO GO GO!

12. Mum FOMO is so real! (I might write an entire separate piece on this tragedy)

13. You wonder if 10am is too early to start taking shots of tequila… it’s not.

14. If mum is home, all they want is mum. If dad is home, all they want is mum. If Santa Claus, the Easter bunny and batman all walk in…. MUUUUM!! Mum is God. 

15. Why buy toys when soil, Tupperware and wooden spoons work just fine?

16. If you take them to a Park, don’t even think about blinking. You blink and BAM kids fallen off a climbing frame. Blink BAM kids right hooked a baby to the face. Blink BAM both gone missing and you can only assume kidnapped by a child molester and think FUCK how am I GONNA explain this one… no blinking! 

17. Toilet training is a mythical higher place that I do not understand how to get to nor do I enjoy the journey there. At all.

18. COD. Child onset dementia. You forget what you were doing, where you put stuff and how things got there. Like keys in the fridge… Food still in the microwave from 3 hours ago… entering a room 4 times before remembering why you actually needed to go in there… what day is it?

19. If it fits in the mouth…. it’s going in the mouth. Plastic, glitter, dead, alive, beer left on the side, a 2 day old raisin in the corner, you name it, they’ll eat it. (Except vegetables)

20. Do NOT wear white. ARE YOU INSANE?

21. Whoever invented the dummy/ pacifier should probably be knighted

22. When they cuddle you and play with your hand or elbow until they fall asleep, you want to kill them a lot lot less and think aw… today wasn’t that bad… cutie pies.

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23. Don’t have kids. (oh woah how did 23 sneak in there…)

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I’m sure there are a LOT more things I am going to encounter and learn over the next few months and will keep the list updated. Until then, God bless all you mothers, fathers and nanny’s out there, you’re all doing a wonderful job. And may the odds be ever in your favour.

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